Last entry :(

Well, it appears this will be my last entry. Mr. Hand has decided instead of stepping up and leading this relationship to walk away from it. I’m disappointed that I believed promises, but he didn’t keep them. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t understand the meaning of a relationship. I’m disappointed in myself for letting myself get so attached. I went into this taking a huge risk, knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle another heartbreak. It’s not his fault, I know this. It’s mine.

I cry not because I lost things, but because the connection I wanted so badly just got ripped away from me even though I didn’t do anything wrong.

And so, the man I wanted, the man I had, is gone. I guess it’s time to start over. Again.

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Wish you were here

wish you were hereIt’s been only a few days since I’ve seen Mr. Hand, yet it seems like an eternity at times. Like when I’m tired and ready for some snuggles, or when he sends me a text that he’s having a bad day and I can’t do much about it. Yes, he is the head of our relationship, but that does not mean he is without need for caring support from me.

I don’t miss him in the,”oh my gosh, I’m going to die without him,” sense, but more in the, “I miss his presence, guidance, and closeness.” I know it won’t be awfully long til we see each other again, but it’s longer than I’d like it to be. Notably, I am so excited that he was able to change his schedule some so that we can be together more during the week. He worked hard to make this happen, for which I am incredibly grateful.

Last time I saw him was for a quickie on a weekend morning. I managed to sneak away from my kids, who were still soundly snoozing in their bed, and headed over for a quick romp in the hay for Mr. Hand, and a shoulder massage for me. I’m glad we are finding other ways for him to take me in his hand than just spanking. Whether he knows it or not, the massage makes me feel close to him in quiet times, just as spanking makes me feel close during turbulent times.

I know today is a long and stressful one for him. I wish there was something I could physically do for him. I wish I could give him hugs and kisses (or more) just so he knows I care. For now, I’m stuck with texts.

I wish Mr. Hand was here. Not for my benefit, but for his. So I can take care of him when he needs it, just like he takes care of me when I do. Only 3 more days until we can be together, it’s not long, I know. But I still wish he was here.

A glimpse into the future.

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Today’s Daily Prompt from WordPress…

You’re on a long flight, and a palm reader sitting next to you insists she reads your palm. You hesitate, but agree. What does she tell you?

If I had been given this prompt 6 months ago, my answer would have been very different. Even 6 weeks ago, my answer would have been less clear, but it would not be what I am about to write for you.

The palm reader would give me a very clear timeline of how my life will unfold in the next few years. She will tell me about this “strange” relationship I have with an amazing man. She will tell me I am going to become far less stubborn and outspoken, but I will never give up my refusal to be walked all over. She will tell me the changes I have made have made not only this man very happy, but myself as well. She will talk about how proud those around me notice I am, but how even those closest to me can’t put their finger on why.

The palm reader will talk to me about how strong this “strange” relationship is. She will tell me that I am often asked what the secret is, and I will smile to myself while giving a vague answer like, “lots of communication and loving interaction.”

Maybe, with enough time, she will figure out the Taken in Hand relationship, and how we use domestic discipline. She will be in awe of how smoothly things work out when there is only one head of our household. She will tell me, to her own surprise, what a wonderful thing it is for me and Mr. Hand. She will ask me for more details about such a relationship.

Then, she will tell me things I can’t even begin to predict right now. I know what I would like to be happening, but in my experience, voicing those wishes tends to become curses for me. So, for now I will keep them to myself.  One thing is for sure, whatever the palm reader tells me in terms of my relationship with Mr. Hand, it will be good. Very good.

Stepping up

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So, yesterday, Mr. Hand and I got into a text argument over his schedule and it not meeting my needs. I had been trying to be flexible, but the reality that I would only see him for a few hours every other week, was not something I was happy with. I have done this kind of relationship 3 times before, and it has always ended in my broken heart, when the man could not deliver on the promises he made, as far as the kind of relationship he wanted. It became very heated, and I tried to walk away from it, but somehow we managed getting back to it (my fault, mostly). I will take responsibility for my share of the argument, but Mr. Hand was also responsible. Finally, after threatening to leave me (this is a new relationship, remember), I asked him if we could just drop it until we had both calmed down and could actually talk in person rationally. Thankfully, he said yes. I was kind of disappointed that he wasn’t stepping up to his role to put a stop to it. I had been upfront about struggling to let go of things once I got started. Instead, he tried to run away from the relationship. This concerned me, more than the issue itself.

Later in the afternoon, I received a text from him. It said,

“I’ve been thinking. You need a spanking. For causing unneeded drama for both of us. You don’t trust me to make us work out.”

I responded with, “I don’t want to be spanked. I’m frustrated and disappointed and angry right now.”

I didn’t like it, I knew it would not be pleasant. But, I knew he was right. I was proud of him for finally stepping up. I’m sure it was hard for him to overcome his fear of getting hurt if the schedule couldn’t work out, to fulfill his role in this relationship. I picked a good man.

So, after he got home from his work shift, at 11 PM, I went over to his house to receive my punishment and talk. I got the leather paddle first, followed by the belt, which I have actually come to like. It can hurt worse at the moment, depending upon where it hits, but I recover quickly.

Afterward, we talked. We straightened out our expectations, the exact nature of his schedule, and I realized it’s probably not as bad as I thought. He had not communicated it to me in a way I could understand. I’m glad we had a chance to clear this up, instead of just calling it done and moving on.

We also got the chance to talk about some other concerns I had. I feel so much better that the air has been cleared. What started as a fight that could have ended our relationship ended up making it that much stronger. I’m really glad Mr. Hand did what he did. While I was not a happy camper at the time due to the fight and the fact that I had to get a spanking for my part of it, but he got away with nothing, it made me feel so much more secure in our relationship. He stepped up to be the man I need, which saved our relationship.

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Have I ever mentioned how awesome he is? Oh yeah, I have. But he’s worth saying it again. Mr. Hand, you are so incredibly awesome! I am very lucky to have you.

I have a Confession…

This blog is making me nervous. Not because I’m afraid of being found out; that would be interesting, though. Not because I’m afraid of discipline. Because I see it being read by experienced people; people who know more than me are reading my words! I love to talk, and I love to write, so it’s not the actual writing part. Instead, I am afraid someone’s going to send me a message something to the effect of,”hey lady! You’re doing it all wrong ”

Now, my logical thinking brain knows this is not likely to happen. In general, I have found writers and commenters to be very respectful of various points of view. But, the perfectionist side of me wants it to be perfect. When I post on my other blog, my real-life friends are right there, telling me how awesome it is. Here, not going to happen.

So, there you have it. The confession of a perfectionist. I promise I will not doubt myself forever; this is such unchartered territory for me. Very much desired, but very new. And thank you for all the support from everyone so far. And especially to my darling Mr. Hand, who is so awesome as to “like” almost every post. Just one more reason I am so very lucky!

The belt

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Yesterday was a normal day for me and my kids. I got groceries and did some stuff around the house, they played, and we made and ate dinner together. Oh, wait. Never mind. It wasn’t a normal day! I NEVER cook dinner, and when I do, they sure don’t help me! So, it was a great day for us! In addition to a great day with the kiddos, I managed to sneak away from them for a few hours so Mr. Hand and I could see each other. We hadn’t seen each other since Sunday, and waiting til Tuesday was a long time!

Mr. Hand told me on Monday that there would be a small maintenance spanking to help teach me that I am to submit to him. We had talked about it over the weekend, and I was relieved to see he was following through. I hate inconsistency or confusion in anything; this is no different.

When he arrived, I got into position. I took off my shorts and laid myself over the bed with my pantied bottom up. I hate waiting. Even though I wasn’t nervous this time, it still is hard. Then he came in and shut the door. He doesn’t talk during this entire process, and I really can’t even see him. Sometimes, I catch him out of the corner of my eye, but not much. I can hear him, though.

This time, I hear him undoing his belt. “NOOOOOO!!!!!!’ my head screamed! “Please not the belt?” But I didn’t say anything. This spanking was teaching me to submit to Mr. Hand, who, in the brief, yet, entire time we have done this, has never hurt me. Not only has he never hurt me, but he has been very intentional about making sure he doesn’t.

As he stood silently behind me, I heard him undoing the buckle and then slowly pulling it out of his belt loops. I’m sure he did it slowly so I would have time to think about it. Has he been reading up on how to spank me?! Then he sat with me.

We talked about how I was going to be spanked to teach me to submit. This is the first time it truly sunk in what that meant. My brain finally started comprehending what I signed up for. I finally began to understand what our relationship is. For the first time, I understood who and what this man is to me, and most importantly what he is doing for me and us.

Then, the spanking began. The first couple were the same as the leather paddle from the weekend, but after that, IT HURT! A LOT. Every time his belt made contact with my bottom or sit spot, it stung worse than the time before. He did a good job hitting his mark. He went at a reasonable pace, and judged well when it was time to stop. For the first time ever, I was done at 20. I didn’t need to request more, and I wasn’t over-beaten (he has never had this problem, but I have read about it). Then of course, we hugged and snuggled while we reconnected.

The belt is not nearly as bad as it seems like it would be. Yes, hearing it come out of his belt loops was anxiety provoking. Yes, it stung. It sure did hurt. And my bottom was red. But, I also recovered quickly. Within an hour, all the red was gone and it didn’t really hurt either. This morning, I am a little tender in the couple places he hit when he missed and went too far to the side, but that’s okay. This does not mean in was ineffective and should be given something worse, just that it was a good combination of pain and recovery time.

The nice thing about the belt, is that it can be adapted. 20 spankings was just enough for maintenance, but if I needed a punishment, bumping it up to just 25 or 30, or going bare bottom, would probably do the trick. It’s an effective tool to get the point across quickly and easily.

And so, I’m learning. I am not in charge of everything. I sure wouldn’t have chosen the belt, but it was just what I needed. I put absolute trust in Mr. Hand, and he did exactly what he promised. I am sure it will not be an easy road keeping me in submission, as I have so many great opinions on how things should be 🙂 , but I am getting there, and I know Mr. Hand will keep working with me until I arrive.

I am a very lucky woman, indeed.

A plain old boring day

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Today is the first in several that Mr. Hand and I have not seen each other. I miss the sound of his voice, the feel of his skin, even his smell, and the way he handles me. I kept busy, however, by creating, and completing, a list of chores. I did this to hold myself accountable. After Saturday’s spanking for absolute laziness, I did not want Mr. Hand to have to address this issue again. Since he has figured out to spank harder and longer, I did not want to have to experience it again for awhile. It worked! I got all but one thing done. But, more importantly, I worked hard and feel good about it.

Tomorrow will be an opportunity for us to sneak in a small chunk of time together. It will probably be less than two hours, but some time is better than no time. He has already informed me that I will be getting a small maintenance spanking to remind me that I am to submit to him, that he is the head of our relationship, and that he is the man here. Then we will spend the rest of the time just hanging out and enjoying each other. I’m very excited!

Other than completing my list, spending some time with my kiddos, taking a nap, and doing homework, it was a pretty uneventful day. That’s a good thing. I need more days like this. In a couple weeks summer break will be over and I will return to teaching. I’m thinking I will even go to bed early.