Last entry :(

Well, it appears this will be my last entry. Mr. Hand has decided instead of stepping up and leading this relationship to walk away from it. I’m disappointed that I believed promises, but he didn’t keep them. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t understand the meaning of a relationship. I’m disappointed in myself for letting myself get so attached. I went into this taking a huge risk, knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle another heartbreak. It’s not his fault, I know this. It’s mine.

I cry not because I lost things, but because the connection I wanted so badly just got ripped away from me even though I didn’t do anything wrong.

And so, the man I wanted, the man I had, is gone. I guess it’s time to start over. Again.

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Wish you were here

wish you were hereIt’s been only a few days since I’ve seen Mr. Hand, yet it seems like an eternity at times. Like when I’m tired and ready for some snuggles, or when he sends me a text that he’s having a bad day and I can’t do much about it. Yes, he is the head of our relationship, but that does not mean he is without need for caring support from me.

I don’t miss him in the,”oh my gosh, I’m going to die without him,” sense, but more in the, “I miss his presence, guidance, and closeness.” I know it won’t be awfully long til we see each other again, but it’s longer than I’d like it to be. Notably, I am so excited that he was able to change his schedule some so that we can be together more during the week. He worked hard to make this happen, for which I am incredibly grateful.

Last time I saw him was for a quickie on a weekend morning. I managed to sneak away from my kids, who were still soundly snoozing in their bed, and headed over for a quick romp in the hay for Mr. Hand, and a shoulder massage for me. I’m glad we are finding other ways for him to take me in his hand than just spanking. Whether he knows it or not, the massage makes me feel close to him in quiet times, just as spanking makes me feel close during turbulent times.

I know today is a long and stressful one for him. I wish there was something I could physically do for him. I wish I could give him hugs and kisses (or more) just so he knows I care. For now, I’m stuck with texts.

I wish Mr. Hand was here. Not for my benefit, but for his. So I can take care of him when he needs it, just like he takes care of me when I do. Only 3 more days until we can be together, it’s not long, I know. But I still wish he was here.

A glimpse into the future.

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Today’s Daily Prompt from WordPress…

You’re on a long flight, and a palm reader sitting next to you insists she reads your palm. You hesitate, but agree. What does she tell you?

If I had been given this prompt 6 months ago, my answer would have been very different. Even 6 weeks ago, my answer would have been less clear, but it would not be what I am about to write for you.

The palm reader would give me a very clear timeline of how my life will unfold in the next few years. She will tell me about this “strange” relationship I have with an amazing man. She will tell me I am going to become far less stubborn and outspoken, but I will never give up my refusal to be walked all over. She will tell me the changes I have made have made not only this man very happy, but myself as well. She will talk about how proud those around me notice I am, but how even those closest to me can’t put their finger on why.

The palm reader will talk to me about how strong this “strange” relationship is. She will tell me that I am often asked what the secret is, and I will smile to myself while giving a vague answer like, “lots of communication and loving interaction.”

Maybe, with enough time, she will figure out the Taken in Hand relationship, and how we use domestic discipline. She will be in awe of how smoothly things work out when there is only one head of our household. She will tell me, to her own surprise, what a wonderful thing it is for me and Mr. Hand. She will ask me for more details about such a relationship.

Then, she will tell me things I can’t even begin to predict right now. I know what I would like to be happening, but in my experience, voicing those wishes tends to become curses for me. So, for now I will keep them to myself.  One thing is for sure, whatever the palm reader tells me in terms of my relationship with Mr. Hand, it will be good. Very good.

Changes

Well, it’s almost time. It’s almost time for me to head back to the grind of work. Time for me to drop my own kids off at school, only to go to school myself to take care of 100+ other people’s kids. It almost seems counterintuitive to me, which is why I was a stay at home mom for 8 years until finances required otherwise. To this day, I still long for being home when my middle schooler gets off the bus and not having to send my fourth grader to daycare until dinner time. I detest the rush of school, work, sports practice, homework, dinner, showers, and heaven forbid, family or friend time. But, it is what it is. It’s the life I have so all I can do is accept it and do my best. Sometimes my best sucks, I will be the first to admit that. Sometimes my best rocks. My kids appreciate those days.

There are many changes happening in our lives, though. Of course, the kids are going to new grades, new teachers, my daughter is even going to a brand new school! I will return to work with several new colleagues, bosses, and expectations. My goal is to return with a new attitude, as well. Things at my campus are not good. I left for summer on a bad note, and it just was not in the cards to find a new position. So, I am promising to return next week and do the absolute best job I can do with what I’m given. That’s the best I can ask for, right?

Of course, my relationship with Mr. Hand is the best change of all! He is so kind and caring, he truly cares about me. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. My life is better simply because he is part of it. His presence and discipline has made me learn to stop spending my energy on the past, and to refocus it to the present and future. This is a much better way to live. My life is more peaceful and less full of drama than it used to be (thank God! That was draining!).

He has also made me want to be a much better person. Not to avoid spankings, but to be the person he believes I can be. He builds me up and encourages me, whether he realizes it or not. This change has been very good. I only hope I do the same for him.

And so, as I get ready to go share my love with 100 middle schoolers, I would like to share one of my favorite quotes of all time, ” if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. ” Mr. Hand sure wasn’t in my plans, but I’m so glad I found him, anyway.

Word Press Daily Prompt: Moved to Tears

Describe the last time you were moved to tears by something beautiful.

For those of you unfamiliar with WordPress, a prompt is given daily. Usually I ignore these, but this one really spoke to me. It has nothing to do with Taken in Hand or Domestic Discipline. It has to do with my daughter.

I have to admit, I am moved to tears quite frequently these days. At almost 13 years old, she has become such an amazing young lady. She is so smart, almost always makes good choices, has such a kind and sensitive heart, is independent and responsible, stays out of trouble, and it absolutely beautiful on the outside, as well.

Every time I see this beauty in her, it moves me to tears. I ask God, “How did I get so lucky for you to choose me to take care of this beautiful creature?” I stand in awe of my baby girl, sometimes unable to believe it.

The last time she brought me to tears was a few weeks ago when we were school shopping. She was trying on clothes and she just looked so grown up. Luckily, she is a modest dresser, so we never have that argument to deal with. But, she has such a fashion sense (she did NOT get that from me, I guarantee it!), she looked so beautiful in everything she chose, and just so grown up. How did she get from a beautiful newborn to an almost 13-year-old 7th grader? It went so fast. We have had our share of tribulations in her short life, including several moves, the divorce of her parents, and dealing with a mother who yells way too much (I’ve heard many moms feel this way). Still, she is absolutely amazing!

And, as much as I’d like to say that was the last time she brought me to tears, me writing this is also making me weepy. People like to give me and her father the credit, but it’s all her. She has become more than either of us could have dreamed. We are both very lucky to have her!

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Stepping up

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So, yesterday, Mr. Hand and I got into a text argument over his schedule and it not meeting my needs. I had been trying to be flexible, but the reality that I would only see him for a few hours every other week, was not something I was happy with. I have done this kind of relationship 3 times before, and it has always ended in my broken heart, when the man could not deliver on the promises he made, as far as the kind of relationship he wanted. It became very heated, and I tried to walk away from it, but somehow we managed getting back to it (my fault, mostly). I will take responsibility for my share of the argument, but Mr. Hand was also responsible. Finally, after threatening to leave me (this is a new relationship, remember), I asked him if we could just drop it until we had both calmed down and could actually talk in person rationally. Thankfully, he said yes. I was kind of disappointed that he wasn’t stepping up to his role to put a stop to it. I had been upfront about struggling to let go of things once I got started. Instead, he tried to run away from the relationship. This concerned me, more than the issue itself.

Later in the afternoon, I received a text from him. It said,

“I’ve been thinking. You need a spanking. For causing unneeded drama for both of us. You don’t trust me to make us work out.”

I responded with, “I don’t want to be spanked. I’m frustrated and disappointed and angry right now.”

I didn’t like it, I knew it would not be pleasant. But, I knew he was right. I was proud of him for finally stepping up. I’m sure it was hard for him to overcome his fear of getting hurt if the schedule couldn’t work out, to fulfill his role in this relationship. I picked a good man.

So, after he got home from his work shift, at 11 PM, I went over to his house to receive my punishment and talk. I got the leather paddle first, followed by the belt, which I have actually come to like. It can hurt worse at the moment, depending upon where it hits, but I recover quickly.

Afterward, we talked. We straightened out our expectations, the exact nature of his schedule, and I realized it’s probably not as bad as I thought. He had not communicated it to me in a way I could understand. I’m glad we had a chance to clear this up, instead of just calling it done and moving on.

We also got the chance to talk about some other concerns I had. I feel so much better that the air has been cleared. What started as a fight that could have ended our relationship ended up making it that much stronger. I’m really glad Mr. Hand did what he did. While I was not a happy camper at the time due to the fight and the fact that I had to get a spanking for my part of it, but he got away with nothing, it made me feel so much more secure in our relationship. He stepped up to be the man I need, which saved our relationship.

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Have I ever mentioned how awesome he is? Oh yeah, I have. But he’s worth saying it again. Mr. Hand, you are so incredibly awesome! I am very lucky to have you.

I have a Confession…

This blog is making me nervous. Not because I’m afraid of being found out; that would be interesting, though. Not because I’m afraid of discipline. Because I see it being read by experienced people; people who know more than me are reading my words! I love to talk, and I love to write, so it’s not the actual writing part. Instead, I am afraid someone’s going to send me a message something to the effect of,”hey lady! You’re doing it all wrong ”

Now, my logical thinking brain knows this is not likely to happen. In general, I have found writers and commenters to be very respectful of various points of view. But, the perfectionist side of me wants it to be perfect. When I post on my other blog, my real-life friends are right there, telling me how awesome it is. Here, not going to happen.

So, there you have it. The confession of a perfectionist. I promise I will not doubt myself forever; this is such unchartered territory for me. Very much desired, but very new. And thank you for all the support from everyone so far. And especially to my darling Mr. Hand, who is so awesome as to “like” almost every post. Just one more reason I am so very lucky!